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21 April 2016 @ 11:31 pm

I have to write somewhere and this is essentially the only place that doesn't have any ties to my real life.

I came to the realization today that I have a super huge and very attracted crush on a guy I've met this semester of grad school.  The conversation comes very easily, and he's nice looking.  Like, very.

Big, huge, extermely important factor?  I have a boyfriend of 5 years.  Like, very serious relationship.. Like, we've talked about marriage.  And it's not that I don't love him, I believe I do.  After 5 years you don't just stop caring.

This whole crush thing has taken me very much by surprise though.  Unless this guy is just very friendly, I think there have been some flirty stuff going on.

I'm very confused by this.  I don't know if this means my boyfriend and I need to do something to sort of bring back the spark? or if it means we need to move on?

I will say, I have had some negative feelings lately with the boyfriend, mainly because he is certain he wants kids someday (biological or adopted), and I know for a fact I do not want to be pregnant ever, and I am worried I will never get to the point when I am ready to adopt, and we will have a big argument over that.  However, I don't know if crush or any other guy would be any different/better.  Which is why this alone is not a good enough reason to break up I don't think?

Life is confusing.  I know I am a very different person now than I was when I started dating the boyfriend 5 years ago.  I am a much better person.  I don't know if we've grown together or apart or have simply settled.  I just don't know.

Part of me (a big part of me) wants to see where things go with the crush.  But I don't want to betray boyfriend.  I see crush literally every day though, we are colleagues.  So it's not like he's just going to go away.  We'll see.

I may delete this later.

26 June 2015 @ 10:30 am
So, I don't actually write in this livejournal anymore and I feel kind of odd coming back here because it's kind of like looking at someone else's life - I wrote very freely here and did not feel afraid of being judged or called out for what I wrote.  Addmittedly, not many people read my livejournal, and very likely most of the ones I followed or was in contact with have long since left this site for other places (much like I did with Tumblr).

But there really is something so safe and comforting about livejournal.  Something much more real than Tumblr, which feels very superficial to me at times.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe the amount of older people here?  Maybe I'm mistaken.  I was not particularly involved in groups or things here, so I don't know how many young pre-teen types there are around here.  It just seems better.

I am planning to become more active here again.  Continue making graphics and things that made me happy before.  This is not to say that I'm not happy now.  I think I'm currently at one of the happiest points in my life.  Everything feels good and everything is falling into place.  But that's not to say that I can't come back to things that I loved about my life from years before.

A general update on my life...

  • I finished a third year up at my small rural school as band and choir teacher, and have resigned so that I can return to school to pursue a Master's of Music Education.  It was incredibly difficult leaving all of my kids and having to tell them I won't be back next year, but I know this is the best step for myself and my life.

  • I am still with the guy I mentioned in 2011.  I find new things I love about him all the time, but I have to say I really am lucky to have someone so openminded and positive as a partner.  And he loves my horse, so that is a huge plus.

  • Last year I bought a horse.  He's a shire/thoroughbred cross - Navigator.  I think I mentioned him before.  I was working with him for a few years before finally buying him.

15 March 2010 @ 12:00 am
 To those of you who aren't my friends on here, this is a private journal.  If you want to read all my random, silly ramblings, you'll have to add me, and have me add you as well.  So feel free.  I love meeting new people  =)
Location: Dormitory
Feeling: awakeawake
Music: Lucky - Britney Spears